You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
