i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
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