I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
