I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
