I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
Holy sore nipples Batman
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Randomize
