My hand turned me down
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
