he confused my yawn for an orgasm
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
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