i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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