Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
