Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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