She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
Randomize
