The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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