i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Randomize
