I can text with my tongue
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
17 year olds will be the death of me.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
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