someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
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