There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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