I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Randomize
