Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
Just invented taco cereal.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Randomize
