What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
