sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
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