He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
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