i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
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