Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
‪He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life‬
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
Randomize
