12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Randomize
