sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Randomize
