im sorry i didnt take advantage of you..iwaned to
i wanted you to too
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
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