Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
i now understand why vodka
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
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