Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
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