i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
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