is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
Randomize
