I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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