Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
