I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
