I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
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