Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
