this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
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