she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
Randomize
