wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Randomize
