Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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