i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
i think i have herpe
just one?
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
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