Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Randomize
