Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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