you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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