Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
