I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
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