Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
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