I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
