Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
