Well if yoir are still awake and secided to drink... You may aswell drink
That text needs to switch to water.
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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