$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Randomize
