woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
this just has baby written all over it
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
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